How to kill a goose quickly

“Countryman’s Cooking” was published in Britain in 1965. It has many strengths. If you wish to know how to brain a goose, it is peerless (in brief, bludgeon it briskly). If you want to find out how to behead a pheasant or disembowel a rabbit, it is invaluable. If, however, you wish to encase these animals in a pie, it is less helpful. For its author, W.M.W. Fowler, a former bomber pilot, has this to say on pastry recipes: “I cannot help you.”In fact, Fowler did have a suggested method for pastry-making. Take one telephone, he advised. Ring one nice female neighbour with it. Liberally baste her with drink (“A couple of stiff gins”); add seasoning (a liberal sprinkling of “blandishments and flattery”); and watch your timings (“DON’T kiss her till she has carried out her duties”). Soon enough, you would have an “excellent dish”.